A few stories in the key of D

I could be your hero baby
A couple weekends ago I spent 4 days at a pleasant little secluded guest house in the Sabie mountains to get away. I basically laid in my bed for 4 days. It was great. I read and thought and prayed and relaxed. On the last day, Dave and Marilyn came to pick me up and before we left, we took a stroll to the private waterfall on the property. It was the most beautiful waterfall I've ever seen! I think it was mostly because it was private and could get as close as you wanted. There were a lot of pools and streams to frolic in, not to mention you could climb up the waterfall. Two little weenie dogs belonging to the neighbours followed us there. We were a little scared to have them come along, but thought they wouldn't be stupid enough to get into any trouble.
Ha.
I crossed to the other side of the river using a slippery, but relatively safe way to cross and one of the dogs followed me. The stream was shallow and piddly. After playing enough on the one side I crossed back over but the dog had wandered down a bit. Thinking he'd just follow me, I crossed. The dog wasn't so smart. He decided to cross at the WORST possible spot, where the current was strong and the stream fairly wide. We saw the dog and panicked as he attempted to cross. The stream starting taking him away. We freaked out and tried to run to him but there was really nothing we could do. The little furball was doomed. He got carried into a little pool with a tall rock face on one side and extremely rough death-rapids on the other. He tried to climb the rock but couldn't do it. He started to get closer to the rapids. Ok I won't keep you in suspense any longer. I got to the pool just in time, jumped in, and rescued that little guy.
Thank you, thank you.

This is the first day of my life
After saving the dog, my blood was pumping with adrenaline and I realized I've never skinny dipped before. So Dave left, I took off my clothes, and jumped in. ooooWEEEE. It was the best.

Body massage, body massage, everybody come and get one in my garage
Please be warned this is a very awkward story but Brooke encouraged me to tell it. So I'm going to not mention any names. In fact, I'm going to use the name ... Pracidia. I have a friend named Pracidia from a country in Africa, let's call it The Zamibia. She recently told me she loved giving massages. Stoked on this new information, I took up her offer to give me one. I laid on her bed, took off my shirt, and positioned myself for the best back massage of my life. As she's massaging me, she pokes my boobs from the side and says, "I just love boobs." Feeling a little awkward, but knowing African's are open about breasts, I just let it slide. She keeps massage then says, "Let me see your boobs." Awkward level increasing, I denied her request. She then proceeds to tell me that she'll show me hers. Without hearing my answer to the trade, she lifts her shirt and shows me. Not complying to her demands, she continues to massage me. After she finished, I put my shirt back on and she catches a little glimpse. She exclaims, "OH! YOURS ARE NICE!" Short Pause. "Let me touch them." Short Pause. "I'm not lesbian." NOW how do I react to this? Shortly later, after receiving no action, of all people, Lize enters the room: "What's going on in here?" Pracidia says, "Kristal has nice boobs. Do you want to see them Lize?" If you know Lize you'll know she is the perfect person to throw into this situation because she is the most innocent and most likely to melt in awkwardness upon this question. We kind of just slowly and awkwardly leave the room. I sat on my bed feeling absolutely dirty thinking, "What just happened..."

Pshht.. may I have your attention please. I repeat, may I have your attention please
Today I spoke at an HIV/Aids Symposium to a room full of nurses. Who else spoke at it? Well.. lots of doctors. Lots of well-researched, well-prepared, fancy book-writing doctors. Who would've thought I'd be doing such a bizarre thing.