So today I crashed an African wedding. It was the most incredible experience. I’ll start at the beginning. My friend Victoria invited me to a wedding of someone she sort of knew through some friends at her church. Darryl dropped me off at 8:30am near Victoria’s, although Victoria was nowhere in sight. We sat in the vehicle for a bit until some random man came up to us and asked if we were going to church. I said I was going to a wedding with my friend Victoria and asked if he knew her. He said ‘yes’ and that he was going too so he took off to go tell her I where. As he turned around the corner, Victoria came. I went to her house, she got ready, and by 9:30 we were on the tar road waiting for a taxi. No taxis came so, becoming desperate, Victoria flagged down the next vehicle to pass. Now, this part is something I shouldn’t really share because I will probably get an earful from all the parent-like figures in my life, but oh well. We hopped in the back of the car with two guys. As soon as I got in, I was overwhelmed with the smell of marijuana or dacha. I knew from the beginning it was a bad idea, but I trusted Victoria and her discretion. They were very friendly and dropped us off at the end of the road where we proceeded to catch a taxi. We finally got near the church but had no idea how to get to the church. Victoria asked for directions from pretty much every person we saw and eventually we got to the church just in time to see the honking convoy of cars pull up. I was greeted by many of the older women and very welcomed. They were unreal: screaming, dancing, and waving random braches and scarves in the air.
Man, the wedding hasn’t even started yet.
The wedding starts at 10:00 am. As soon as I walked in I was blown away by the display at the front of the church. It was beautiful. The colour theme of the wedding was gold and white. It looked fit for a king! There was a very talented worship band playing and singing the entire time.
It should be mentioned that I am the only white person. Not only am I the only white person and stick out ridiculously, but Victoria decides to sit me in the front row right beside the aisle. So I’m front and center, white, and oblivious as to who is getting married.
The old women are still screaming, dancing, and waving random branches and scarves in the air, but this time they are also laying mats down for the wedding party to start walking down the aisle.
I’ve been to many weddings and the “walk down the aisle” music is always some soft, sappy, Canon in D sort of music. Not this wedding. I was shocked to hear the dance mix techno bass-booming beat that accompanied the wedding party. I guess it makes sense to only walk silently, slowly, and rather boringly while Canon in D is the aisle-walking music but I wondered how it could be justified with this loud techno beat. They did not walk down the aisle. They danced down the aisle, nay they partied down the aisle. Two by two. It was awesome! First the little girl and boy and then eventually the bridesmaids and groomsmen. It took forever for them to get to the end but they finally did. The groom came next (he just walked) and then the bride came. She walked down the aisle in the most … 80s poofy unreal tacky blinging dress I have ever seen.
The pastor then begins to open the ceremony with prayer. Shortly after the prayer he reads a piece of paper and says “blah blah siSwati blah blah 3X5 HM843 blah blah.” Ha ha! It never fails. In every country and every wedding there is always a car that has its lights on or needs to be moved.
The wedding was long. There was a long program and lots of speeches and lots of singing and lots of dancing. Don’t get me wrong, it was mostly fantastic.
But for 5 hours, I stared at the beautiful cake at the front. It was your normal looking wedding cake complete with the white bride and groom at the top. As I stared at it, I thought about marketing a black bride and groom cake decoration. But the cake looked delicious and I was very excited when they started cutting it at 3:00. They handed out a small piece to everyone. I looked at my highly anticipated piece of cake and thought … WTF!?!? WHO THE HELL EATS CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE AT A WEDDING!! I didn’t even know Africa had this disgusting crap. FRUIT CAKE. What a disappointment. Man I can’t even express the disappointment. I turned to Victoria and asked her if she liked the cake. She responded no. I don’t think anyone likes it anywhere in the world.
Highlight: The band busted out “Old Time Religion”
The exchange of vows part was very cool. Well, mostly the rings. Each of them had their little ring pillow and the man went first. He put the ring on, then went back into the pillow and busted out another ring. He puts that on. Then he goes back into the pillow and busts out another ring. And as he’s doing this, the crowd is going wild. He places on her finger FIVE rings. I guess the more rings, the more the man respects the woman. As he put on the last ring, he looked at her and then the crowd and said, “I’m very proud of her.” Then he pulls out a fancy gold watch and places it on her wrist. As he puts it on her, he says, “This watch is so that you can look at it and see that it’s time for church and go to church and praise God.” Very cool. What’s really cool is that these two have been together for 16 years. They were both orphans and met at 16. They dated and lived together and then become Christians. When they became Christians, they lived apart until their marriage at 32 years of age. He even paid the FULL ibola for her. This is pretty significant because since they lived together, she’s not really worth as much as before but he respected her enough and felt her worthy enough to pay the full price.
Now for the worst part of the wedding. One of the people who gave a speech was the lady pastor. Let me draw you a picture. I was sitting right next to the speaker. The speaker was blaring full volume (as most African functions are) to the point where the speakers are being blown. This lady SCREAMS into the microphone. Literally screams. We’re in a small church. There is no need for a sound system. There is no need for her to yell. If she talked in a regular voice without a microphone, she still would’ve been PLENTY loud. I’ve been to a lot of concerts but this was by far the loudest noise to ever enter my ears. It hurt so bad. She talked for fifteen minutes. I looked up at the clock and thought that I would not make it for another fifteen minutes. She continues to talk. By this point I want to cry I’m so frustrated and angry and in pain. I could feel the cry welling up inside of me and slowly moisturize my eyes. And over and over in my head I couldn’t stop thinking about punching this lady. And over and over in my head I couldn’t stop saying the F word. This is how much pain I was in. I started PRAYING that God would shut her up. Either that or that He would protect my eardrums because they were about to shatter into a million pieces. So she’s onto a half hour. And then proceeds to talk for another fifteen minutes. I can’t even explain how much pain I was in physically and emotionally (and after all those nasty thoughts, probably spiritually too). It sucked.
Last part of the wedding. The program finally finished around 3:30 and Victoria and I were given a plate of food. The food consisted of a massive chunk of pap and a piece of fried chicken, some beet root, some sweet potato, some bean salad thing, and some delicious cabbage. We just started eating when some guy told us to go eat in the tent and escorted us there. Thinking it was the regular eating area, we went. As soon as we walked in, we both instantly felt awkward. It was the wedding party tent. The bridge, the groom, and all the people we did not know were sitting at their fancy tables eating like kings. The food that was on our plate was peasant food compared to theirs. The man tells us to sit at this one table. So, peasant food plate in hand, we sit at a table that already has food and plates on it. We awkwardly sit down and begin eating our food. Just then, some lady told us the table was reserved and we weren’t to sit there. Oh how embarrassing!! Not only do we know no one, but I am white, in the wedding tent, and just now told we weren’t allowed there. We tried to explain our situation, that some man told us to come here. She escorted us to a different table still in the tent. This table was on a hill. I couldn’t even sit in my chair properly because I would’ve fallen backwards. We tried to finish our meal as fast as we could and get out of there … it was just too weird. But it was funny. I couldn’t stop laughing at how awkward the situation was. But what made it all worthwhile was a sweet old lady named Mavis who came and talked to us and apologized for the way we were treated. She said her heart hurt for the way that lady treated us. She continued to hug me, hold my hand, and tell me how sorry she is and how much she loves me. It was awesome. She was just such a beautiful woman. Then we left around 4:00pm and that is the end of my African wedding crashing experience.
